Hi Loves! I have a more serious post to share with you this week. Since December and starting down this yoga journey I’ve read how people can experience emotions during a practice. In my 30 Days of Yoga Kula group on facebook I’ve read how other members are posting about finding themselves in tears or frustrated but I never understood – until it happened this past week. I’ve experienced pushing myself past my limits and tapping into new energy when working out for longer periods of time but that was usually in the gym on a treadmill or elliptical. Never in something like yoga.
Something about quieting the mind and allowing yourself to live in the moment seems to also open you up to feeling emotions. To be honest it felt like mine bubbled up from someplace really deep inside. I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t slow it down, it was just BAM! My emotion was anger and frustration. I was so angry I wanted to throw something or hit something. (Trust me that is not normal!) This deep seeded anger was so intense it shocked me, I remember collapsing on my mat thinking -where in the heck did that come from?! What got in my head to bring on such a raw emotion? I have a tendency to bottle up emotions and stash them away. To me – emotion is a sign of weakness. (I know that is probably wrong but that’s what I feel like – tears, anger, frustration – they all make me vulnerable. I vowed a long time ago to never be put in a vulnerable place again after I experienced some very difficult things growing up. Its just part of who I am for now.) However, I digress…
For the first time in my daily practice (since 1/2/14) on Friday after work, I felt like the universe was stacking against me. I’d start my yoga session for the day and my phone would ring so I’d pause the workout take the call and restart. Then I get into it again and my roommate walks in (normally that doesn’t phase me). Then another phone call. I was getting agitated, I couldn’t hold poses or focus. I was feeling defeated. I started and stopped the workout for that day 3 times…after 15 minutes of practice I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt like – I’m at the end of my rope and either let go or hold on and ride this out. I had to dig deep – like really deep down inside and say “damn it – you’re better than this.” I sat in extended child’s pose for a few minutes just taking slow deep breaths trying to level off this emotional roller coaster I was flying down. Once I was able to feel like I had let go of the anger, I felt drained, almost exhausted if that is even possible. I restarted the 30 minute practice for that day and did it. It wasn’t graceful, or really calming, it was more of an accomplishment. I was not going to turn my back on 30 straight days of yoga.
It was important for me to share this with you. I’m not perfect and while in the past weekly posts I’ve mentioned that I seem to “crave” my daily yoga fix – for the first time – I didn’t. The next day I got back in the groove and have kept going. Everyone will face a set back or frustrating days – I think it’s how we move forward that really matters. At the moment, my bones and muscles are still craving my daily stretches and I’ve experimented with new moves that focus on balance. To be honest – my balance is pretty poor. I can only hold poses for moments, if at all. While I haven’t fallen I have come dang close before I catch myself awkwardly. I’m determined to keep working on balance – I will get that damn eagle mastered or the half moon.
To end on a positive note this week – in the beginning days of the 30 days of yoga challenge we’d try a boat pose. I couldn’t hold it. My whole body would shake before I gave up. On Sunday she had us try it again – and I could do it! I could hold it for a few breaths before my body forced me to stop!! After riding some emotions Friday night and Saturday – accomplishing the boat pose for a few moments was the motivation I needed to see and feel. I can feel myself getting more flexible and another example is forward bends. I could reach my ankles when I started bending forward, now I’m able to rest my hands on the floor. I doubt my arms are getting longer but I could say I’m getting my body and back stretched out and un-crunched after years of computer work.
Thank you for reading this post. I never know if I should post something about feelings or emotions, but its all part of this process and it wouldn’t be real if I didn’t share a struggle or two with you.
Thank you for visiting Gracious Luck today. xo ~ jen